Emi's Journal

I just finished reading A Big Little Life by Dean Koontz. I knew this was a book that would make me cry, and it did. But it was a wonderful book. Seldom do I find someone that has a perspective so similar to mine, at least as far as golden retrievers are concerned. And as I read what he wrote about Trixie, I could almost hear myself talking about Ret. And a part of me wondered how far back the relation between these two dogs goes (and surely there is one, as they are both pure goldens), because the similarities are uncanny. Down to his description of a short, 60-65 pound mini-golden. Because my Ret is a short, 60-65 pound (when he isn't overweight…) mini-golden.

Some people think I give Ret too much credit. Koontz adressed that same thing… People thinking he gave his dog too much credit. But if you watch them, really watch them, they're smarter than you think. Goldens are like that. They're downright manipulative. They play the doofy-goofy-dog role, and when you least expect it they trick you. He wrote about how his dog knew to the minute when her meal time was, and how she greeted people differently depending on who they are (things Ret does as well). I came to the conclusion that Ret is a lot like Trixie, except she was better trained and had much better manners…. I think it's because Ret is a boy.

And today I finished the book, knowing full well the last chapter would make me cry. Ret was sleeping at the end of the bed, like he usually does. As I started reading that last chapter, he got up. He came and sat next to me. With each turn of the page he nudged my hand, asking to be petted. And as I read past the part I dreaded, he finally laid down next to me, still close enough I could pet him.

And I understand exactly what Koontz wrote. I don't think he's given his dog too much credit. Because I have seen it too. Behind that doofy-goofy-facade is something more, and I don't entirely understand what that is, but it's there. I've seen it too, in my golden boy. And I don't doubt it goes beyond short mini-goldens. But there's something encouraging about reading a published book repeating so much of what I have thought about Ret. Maybe it means that I'm as crazy as Dean Koontz, but maybe it means that we're on to something. And I think we're on to something.

Very few people I am in touch with will appreciate this for what it is. But there are still a few. And I thought they might enjoy this.

I found it while reading through some old message board threads that I had saved on my computer. I don't even remember writing this. It was written on February 18, 2006…. At 4 AM, apparently. That would put me… In Japan, that would have been when I was in Japan!

Anyway, I apparently wrote this and I thought it was really really cool. Not that most people will appreciate it, but there's a few. So this is for my Westie family….. I miss you guys!
 

"This is just something I was thinking about as I sat in bed working on sudoku…. Just some thoughts that I thought I'd share.

I'm proud to be a Westie. We're more than just people united by the love of Matthew West's music. We're family. Sure, we can be wild at times, but that's just who we are. We have our differences, whether we say so or not. I can remember a few times where a little anger may have started to show, but isn't that how all families are? Online it's easier to hide, but it still shows sometimes. That's just how it is.

The best thing about us would be the welcoming nature… We want you to join us. We want to get to know you. We want to share this friendship/family love that we have. There's plenty to go around. We don't care about what your life is like "in the real world." We want to be your friend. If you go through hard times, we want to help. Whether it's talking you through something hard, praying for you, or just being there to read your rants. We want to do it. We care. We wont judge you. We want to be there for you. Families have fun together, and they go through hard times together too. We wont just push you away when that happens. We wont say "You did this, so we don't like you anymore." We understand, and we want to help, like any good family does.

Is this who the Westies are, or who I want us to be? To be honest, I'm not sure. I know we are welcoming, but I can't speak for everyone in saying all. I know this is who I want to be, and I also know that at times I need to be a bit better about it. But if you contact me, I'll be there… And I want anyone to feel free in doing so.

In all the message boards I've been on, I feel that this one has been the most welcoming, family-like community. It's not a huge community, and I hope that we do grow. In the same way I kind of fear it growing, because it may change…. But knowing the Westies, I don't think I have much to worry about. As long as those of us who are already here keep being ourselves, I don't think I have to worry about it changing. People may come and go (preferably come!), but I think the Westies will always be the Westies.

This board has welcomed me as me more than any other board has. I may be the top poster, I may be a moderator, but does that really mean anything? Not really. I've been here a long time, and get on a lot. I was given a few extra privileges by the admin… But I'm no different from the rest of them, and they know that. Even if I point out at times that "I'm a moderator" or "I'm an old member"… I don't know why I do it, and I try to avoid it. I know as much as they do that it doesn't make me better than them. Any other member could have easily been chosen for the moderator position, but I was given the chance, something I will forever be thankful for. Anyone else could have joined early, posted a lot, it really doesn't mean anything. The Westies know that. For that, I am thankful.

We don't worship Matthew West. We're all fans, but not totally obsessively like people on some other fan boards are. We don't worship the ground he walks on. I think if you asked, a lot of us here would say it's more like he's a friend. That may seem kind of weird, but I think it's true. I know when I met him he wasn't all "I'm popular. I'm cooler than you." He made me feel like a friend. He seemed genuinely glad to meet me. I still don't know if he really recognized "Pikados" or if he was just humoring me… But still. He made me feel welcome. Like a friend, more than just another fan. And I think the other Westies, even the ones who have only chatted online with him, feel the same way. He's a part of the Westie family. Probably the center of the family, seeing as he's the one that got us all here, but still a part of the family.

The Westies are just a down to Earth group of people. We know it's not about us. It's not about Matthew, it's not about music, it's not about CDs, it's not about any one of us. It's about the One who is control of it all. There may be some members who may not totally believe that yet, and hey, that's cool too! We hope someday you do, but we wont judge you for it. We wont pressure you into anything you aren't ready for. Stick around, join in the fun, and maybe someday you will choose to join the biggest family of all, even bigger than our little Westie family here!

So I guess there's one thing I really want for the Westies…. I want us to be a totally open community. Regardless of where you're from, what you've been through, who you are…. I want anyone to feel welcome to come in and talk. I want people to be able to say what they're thinking without any judgment? Isn't that what I'm doing here? Just saying what I'm thinking….. It's kind of weird, but if I guess it all has to start somewhere. Nobody should feel OBLIGATED to do so, but they should know that they are most certainly WELCOME to. There's no way for me to know if we have fully succeeded in this. I never will. But every time I see someone comfortable enough to come out and tell us some stuff about themselves that may be kind of hard to share, I know we've at least made a step in the right direction….. And that makes me pretty darn happy. I see it fairly often in the prayer request forum… I remember long ago asking Jake to make that area, and I'm so glad he did! It may not be as popular as our lounge or our games, but I see a lot of good stuff going on in there. Stuff that makes me proud to be a Westie. The openness, the understanding, and the willingness to step up and say "I'll be praying… What else can I do?". People just willing to be there, willing to pray, willing to listen (or read, as the case may be). That's pretty awesome, if you ask me.

This is pretty long…. It started out as just a few points randomly coming to mind, and the thought just kept coming as I typed. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to write this all out, but I think I'm glad I did. It has helped me to see things I need to improve in…. Maybe it'll help another person out there too. Maybe it'll encourage someone to step up and say "Hey, I could use some help here." I don't know. Maybe it'll just be something for me…. I know for sure it's at least helped me. I'm only making this longer now…. Kind of rambling on. So I guess I'll finish up. If you read it, cool. If not, cool. To those who are reading, I love you guys! Keep being the awesome Westie family you are, and maybe even improve a bit. There's always room for improvement, right? I love you guys. You are the best family I've had through the internet! "

I'm not one for sending Christmas cards. Mostly because I'm cheap. And also because I'm lazy. But I'm not against doing a "letter." Except that I do it as a blog post, because I'm cheap. And lazy. But I do like to do a year-end summary thing, and a lot of people do that as their Christmas card. But I do it as a blog post. Sometimes it's a New Years thing, sometimes I don't do it at all… This year it's my "Christmas card."
 

So Merry Christmas from myself and my boys (Ret, Nemo, and Pyrite)! And I guess Indie and Ery too, though they're pretty much in hibernation at the moment.

It's been a great year for us. Of course the start of the year was largely consumed by me coming off my high from my trip to Antarctica last year. And catching up on sleep. But soon it returned to being consumed by school. And my once-a-week internship at the Alsea Hatchery working a fish trap, among other things.

After my job in Alsea ended I was once again unemployed. Then in May I began my first REAL job! I was hired on for a 6 month position with the Western Oregon warmwater fish program with the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife. It was a job that I LOVED and look forward to returning to next spring.

On June 11 I graduated from Oregon State University with a double bachelor's degree in Fish & Wildlife Sciences and Zoology, and a minor in Chemistry. Though I was not the youngest graduate (who was 19), I was close, and was one of the 180-ish students graduating with more than one degree. I was honored the night before with the Senior of the Year award at the graduation party for the Fisheries & Wildlife department at school. This is an award I first learned about freshman year, and have dreamed of winning since then.

I also moved out of my apartment in June, and bought my first home! I am now living in a 37 foot 5th wheel toy hauler, that goes wherever I need it to go. Currently it is parked outside of Monmouth, on my grandma's farm. I love living out there, and Ret does too! It is there that I acquired Pyrite, my second cat. He was less than a pound when I caught him, and is now quickly approaching six pounds.

So this year has been a big year. Or at least the first half was. The second half was not as exciting, mostly containing working, and now unemployment. I keep myself busy with volunteer projects and fishing, and of course geeking out for Christmas! And the start of the year more than makes up for the calm of the second half.

Working, graduation, and buying a home. Now I enter the real world. I am several months in to paying off loans now, with more loan payments kicking in shortly. We have entered into the real world, and are loving every second of it. The boys run around outside all day, and I do whatever needs to be done. It's been a great year, and I hope it has been the same for you.

Merry Christmas everybody, and may your new year be blessed!

It's Christmas time. I love Christmas time! I love decorating, I love baking, I love making candy, I love giving gifts. I love doing Tree of Joy in Creswell.

But as much as I love being home for Christmas, being with my family, doing all this stuff I love…. A piece of me aches for the southern hemisphere. I find myself almost unable to look at pictures without tears coming to my eyes. Every day I'm reminising on "one year ago today…"

And I wonder if my fellow Antarctic travelers are having the same problem. Or am I alone in this? I was the one person that wanted so bad to never leave the ship… The one that didn't ever want to leave. The one that didn't want to go home. So maybe I'm the one that aches to be back? Every day. I long for a world of ice, penguins, and pristine beauty as far as the eye could see.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to be home! The family Christmas is… Well, I guess now it's today. I love being with my family! I love giving gifts! And getting them isn't half bad either. I was so glad to be able to do Tree of Joy distribution this year, as I missed it last year. And I love Christmas!!!

It's just that part of me can't help it. And sometimes it's a disturbingly large part of me. I miss my friends. I miss my travel buddies. They had my back. And I was the trouble-maker, so that's saying something! Not that I chose to be the trouble-maker. Things just turned out that way. But despite the trouble I got myself in to, I long to be back. I long to be on the ship. I long to be on deck. I long for the snow, the noise, the waves. I long for the people I barely knew that cared about me, and helped me even when I was so tired I was freaking out. I long for the hours of sitting in complete awe of what was in front of me. Hours I spent just staring at the ocean. Or the penguins. Or the ice. I'd give anything to be back.

And it hurts to think that maybe Christmas wont ever be the same. Every year a part of me will want to be there. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't. But still. I feel like as much as I love Christmas, I can't throw myself into it like I used to. And maybe that's a good thing, because I was such a Christmas geek before that maybe it needed toning down. Because compared to your average human I am probably still a total Christmas geek, even with a part of my heart stuck, frozen to the other end of the world.

But I miss my ship. I miss my travel family. I miss my penguins. I miss adventure. I miss that endless wonder. That endless awe. That feeling that any moment I might wake up and be back home… That it was all a dream… It was too good to be true, but it was! But now that feeling is reality. Every time I go back… And I do… I wake up back home. And I long to go back to sleep, back to the Sveteva, back to my dreams. Back to the people, the places, the sights, the sounds.

I miss it every day, but especially this time of year. It's hard. People I know are there. Even people I encouraged to go. And I hate that I am jealous, but I am. Because Antarctica is my dream. It's my adventure. And it's a time in my life that has shaped who I am. Antarctica is a part of me now, and I am a part of Antarctica. And that will never change. And I don't want that to change. Through the tears, the longing, the aching to be back…. It's a part of me now. And I will be back someday. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I will be back.

This month on facebook some people started posting a daily "thankful." Once a day they would post on their status something that they're thankful for. Well, I jumped on the bandwagon. But right at the start I wasn't sure I was going to make it. My very first "thankful" status of the month (actually posted on November 2) read "I'm not sure I can make it through the month being thankful, but we shall see. Maybe I'm wrong, and that would be something to be thankful of in itself! So for day 1, I'm thankful for my warm and snuggly dog and kitties that I adore, and that double as a personal heating system when the furnace is acting up!"

I knew my job was ending the 18^th, and I wasn't sure how things were going to be after that. As it turned out, my furnace acting up would turn into its own challenge. But I didn't know it at the time.

Well, I'm glad to say I made it through the month. Today's status? "Tonight I am thankful for having so much to be thankful for. At the start of the month I wasn't sure I was going to make it… Knowing what the month had to bring. But I did. And it wasn't even hard. I made a conscious decision to find things to be thankful for, even when I was facing a challenge. Things that would normally bring me down have turned out OK. Good, even. Thankfulness isn't just a feeling. It can also be a decision, and I'm thankful that I can and have chosen to be thankful for these things."
 

I truly believe that thankfulness is a choice. Sure, there are things that are so easy to be thankful for that it doesn't need to be a conscious decision. Yeah, I'm thankful for my friends and family, God, the support I get from all of the above. For life, happiness, health, food, shelter, water… All that stuff is a no-brainer. But to be thankful for unemployment? For having to fork over $200 for an RV part? That gets a little trickier. That's when the conscious decision kicks in.

As for me, I choose thankfulness. Unemployment? I'm thankful for the chance to take a breather, and look ahead without having to worry about what's going on in the here and now. Having to replace a power converter? I learned how to do it… And beyond that, I learned I COULD do it, and it was rewarding to be able to take care of it with just a little help. Plus it works great, and it's quieter than my old one!

It's more than just being an optimist. I'm not finding the silver lining. I'm not going "oh well, at least…" I'm truly thankful. Sure, I would have been thankful if I had rolled into another job, or if I had been able to fix my old converter. Maybe, probably, more thankful than I am for the alternative. But the fact is I AM thankful for the things that happen. Sometimes only because I decide to be, but I AM.

It's not always easy. I know there will be times when I'm caught in the moment, things are just too tough, and I can't do it. But I'll try. Try to be thankful. Because it's a whole lot easier to get through the tough stuff if you find a way to be thankful for it.
 

So how about you? Do you choose thankfulness? Next time you're facing a challenge, try it. You'll be surprised. It's easier than you think.

I don't know how long it takes to figure out all the little odds-and-ends of a place when you move in. Especially when that place is an RV. But I like to think I have at least a general understanding of my trailer. What things are, what they do, where they're located, and why. Even how to fix things if I need to (basic things), or make improvements where I see fit. But every now and then I'm reminded that there's still something to learn.
 

The mystery started the very day I moved into the trailer. We were putting the slides out. My living room slide had a plug coming out of it. At first I thought it was power for putting the slide out, as they're electric slides. Nope. Running power to the slide? Nope. Lights worked without it plugged in. So what was this plug for???

I shrugged it off and jammed the cord next to the couch, by where it came out of the wall. Out of sight out of mind, right? Right.

A month or two later I discovered that the outlet on the wall behind my couch didn't work. You see where this is going, don't you? Well, out of sight out of mind. I didn't make the connection. I figured the outlet was bad. Or something. I mean, there was power to the lamp three inches above it! So it should be wired in just fine. But it didn't work. Oh well, there's one on the other side of the couch. No big deal.

Yesterday I fiddled with the outlet a little, to see how it was set up. Pulled the cover off, made no major discoveries as my knowledge of electrical wiring is pretty much non-existant, decided I didn't care again, and went on my way.

Last night, just as I was about to fall asleep, I got it. I almost jumped out of bed. The plug makes the outlet work! But I decided not to get up and check, since I was just about to fall asleep….. But in the morning I tested my theory and indeed it worked.

Mystery solved. It only took me 4.5 months to figure it out…

Some people in Oregon are trying to outlaw studded tires again. Whether they succeed or not this time, we shall see. Sure, there are some rubber traction tires better than studs, and all that. I get it. But I do have one argument for studded tires that I have yet to hear from anyone else.

I have studded tires. So come November I go to get them put on. And March I get them taken off. This means that twice a year my car goes in. Now, a quick complimentary tire change ordinarily may not amount to much, but I take my car to Les Schwab. And Les Schwab is amazing.

My car is 20 years old, so she has her share of problems. It comes with age, I get it. Every time I take my car in, even for a quick seasonal tire change, the Les Schwab folks give her a quick once-over. And it may not seem to take any extra time, maybe only an extra minute or two, but they have caught problems. More than once. Minor problems, but minor problems that would be major problems if they weren't fixed.

Now, don't go thinking this is a business ploy. It isn't. Today they found a problem with my suspension. A component that was supposed to have 3 bolts only had 2, and those 2 were loose. They replaced the missing bolt, and tightened the others up. No charge. The vibrations that I had attributed to her age, and the fact that I desperately need an alignment (and have for a while)…. They're gone. They did suggest an alignment anyway. She pulls to the right, and I'm well aware of that, so I have no problems with getting that done. All this in the time it takes to change my tires. I watched. They didn't seem to take any extra time to check things. But they found it anyway. And fixed it for free.

So the advantage to studded tires? For those of us that use it, we are forced into a bi-annual vehicle inspection. And particularly for older vehicles like mine, that's a great thing! Last year it was my brake drums, this year my suspension. And because I want to use my studded tires, I make the time to do it. Sure, I could go have them do a 6-point inspection twice a year anyway, but my tires make me more likely to make the time to do it.
 

See? Studded tires can do good things to!

So… Living in an RV, you learn a lot of stuff. It's an experience for sure, and a lifestyle. And as temperatures drop, I'm learning how to live in an RV in sub-freezing temperatures. Granted, these are the Willamette Valley's subfreezing temperatures, which I have yet to see drop below 0ºF (though I have seen single digits). As it turns out, RVs are seldom made for cold-weather use, so it's a learning experience none the less.

So I have taken measures to keep things warmer, and I have given in to the need to use heat. When I lived in Corvallis I never used heat. Well, there was a couple times. Like when it dropped into the single digits, and my mom called and told me to turn on my heat. Then I turned it on for a like a half hour, and then I turned it off again. A couple times like that. But I was mostly too cheap to use heat. Being as cheap as I am, I don't use much heat. My thermostat is set to 55ºF. However, every now and then I kick it up to take the edge off. And this led to my discovery that I have dubbed Emi's Law of Thermodynamics.

Emi's Law states this: a given temperature is colder in the evening than it is in the morning. So my 55ºF is colder at night than it is in the morning. Or the temperature I discovered this with, 60º.

You see, sometimes I kick the thermostat up in the morning and it'll get up to around 60º. This usually co-incides with days I take morning showers (I usually take night showers so I can sleep longer…). On those days, 60º seems perfectly warm and cozy. Or at least not all that cold.

On nice days my trailer gets up to 60º all by itself, or maybe just holds in the heat if I kicked the thermostat up before…. But for whatever reason, 60º in the evening always seems really cold! And it may have been that very morning when 60º felt perfectly comfortable.

Thus, Emi's Law of Thermodynamics was born.

A few weeks back I was listening to the episode of This American Life from the week Osama Bin Laden was killed. The theme for that week was "This Week," chronicling events from the past week. The theme seemed fated, as it was quite the newsworthy week. At one point they were talking to students that celebrated in the streets after receiving the news. One part in particular struck me…

"When I'd asked another student why he and his friends cared so much about what happened Sunday, since they were just little kids when September 11th happened.  It didn't happen to them. He shot back 'No, it didn't happen to you guys. It happened to us.'"
 

I was 10 on September 11, 2011. I had just started 6th grade. I didn't know what the World Trade Center was. Or the Pentagon, for that matter. But when my mom came to wake my brother and I up, saying that the World Trade Center had been hit by a plane, I knew it was something big.

Everyone was hit hard by 9/11, but I think my generation in particular was affected. Like the student on This American Life said, it happened to us. 

At 10 years old I was old enough to watch what was going on, and understand that we had been attacked. That I was watching people die. And this was no accident. I stayed home from school that day, glued to the TV. But at 10 years old, I had no background story. I didn't know what terrorism was. I didn't know there were people out there that hated us.

My world grew on that day, ten years ago. It was a wake-up call. Even as a little sheltered west coast kid, I was affected. I learned what real fear was. What real terror was. And even though I didn't know anybody there, didn't know the places attacked, it could have just as easily happened over here. After all, they hated Americans. We are Americans too…. All of a sudden, nowhere seemed safe.

I remember wondering what would be next. This was obviously no small operation. Who's to say they weren't going to hit the west coast too? After all, when I got up the work day was just starting. Maybe Portland could be a target. It could happen here too.
 

I did more than just watch history unfold that day. I learned that evil exists in this world. That bad things do happen. Watching events unfold, breaking news rolling in, I was forced to confront reality, to grow up. At 10, I was too old to be sheltered from it. My mom realized that, and allowed me to stay home and watch. And for that I am grateful, because seeing everything firsthand as it came in gave me more information to help me understand. There was so much to learn in a short period of time. And I had to get that information to process what was happening.
 

Every generation has something that defines them. I am part of the 9/11 generation. On September 11, 2011, we learned what evil is. We learned that the world is bigger than just us. And bad things happen to good people. It was a pivotal moment. A day that forever changed us. A day that will always define a part of us. And a day we will never forget.
 

So 3 months has passed, and I'm horrible at updating. Even when big things happen. I am loving my job, living in my trailer, and have acquired another cat… Well, kitten at the moment. His name is Pyrite. I have his sister right now too, but she's going to her new home soon.

So yeah, life is good. Every day is a new journey, and there's always something to learn. Work is my life, and I love it. Boats, fish, and something different every day. It's a pretty good gig. Even when we have to work and it's ridiculously hot outside. Which in Oregon translates to the low 90s.

Life in the trailer is good. I've been in it for 2 months, and have made a bunch of little customizations to make it mine. The critters seem to like it, and I do too. Life on the farm is great. We love it out here.

And…. I dunno. There's lots of little not-that-important stuff I could say here. All in all, life is good.