Emi's Journal

Wow, poor neglected blog again. Not even a year-end post like I usually do! I've been thinking about stuff I have to post, but I think I better catch up as much has happened in the months since I've last updated.

Most eventful being that I got a winter job on the coast and moved to Tillamook in October. It's wet… And windy sometimes. And technically I moved to Netarts but that's not that important. I worked 3.5 months as a coho spawning surveyor, then that ended last month and I'm on unemployment again. But I'm "hosting" at the RV park I moved to, so I'm still on the coast. No pay, but no housing expenses either.

And… Well, that's really about it. Four months summed up in a single paragraph! Now I can get back to posting stuff without feeling like I left a big gap. Because working in the winter is kind of a big deal. That cuts my unemployment time in half! And walking rivers counting fish is kind of fun. Even when they're icky rotten moldy fish.

Today, as it does every year and forever will, brings back memories. Every generation has its "I remember where I was when…" moment, and ours of course is September 11, 2001. Most of us will never forget where we were on that day when we heard the news of the attacks.

As I thought about this today I came upon a strange realization. I always knew I would remember where I was, but never did I imagine it would be my most vivid childhood memory. I mean, I know that day changed my life (that's last year's post…), but my most vivid memory? It seems like such a depressing event for a most vivid memory… And yet, it is… And somehow that doesn't bother me. Because as I said last year, it really was a day of growth, of the-world-is-bigger-than-you-realize, of the witnessing of both evil and true heroism. And when I think of it that way, it makes so much more sense…
 

I can actually see the room. The entertainment center pulled back from the wall, covered in plastic. The TV on the floor, also with plastic. Everything covered in plastic. My mom was painting the living room. I remember every unimportant, insignificant detail, down to eating butterhorns for breakfast, and having my Pokémon cards out, making new decks (I guess I always was a multi-tasker)… I sat on the floor in front of the master bedroom door, watching the news. And of course I remember the images on the TV, the towers coming down, the footage of the planes over and over again, press conferences, the questions, all those people…

It's all right there. There's really not a lot of fine details and events I can bring back from when we lived in Portland, but that day, that moment in time, it's all there. Not just a memory, but an image. I can see it. I can see us sitting there, frozen, trying to process what we saw. The tears as the first tower fell, then the second… As news came in of the Pentagon, and of Flight 93… It's all there.
 

It's amazing to me that it has been 11 years. I can't believe I was just 10. It seems like just yesterday, and yet it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed since then, in the world, in my life… That was the day the rest of the world became real to me, beyond my own little bubble, so in that sense it seems like it's OK for that to be my most vivid memory. The first time I saw images in a place that seemed so distant to me (New York may as well have been a world away at that point), and I cried for those people. The first time I hurt for so many people I didn't know. An event like that changes you, and it is something you always remember. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe your first encounter with compassion is something that you shouldn't forget. 

This is Bird. He's an about 3.5 year old hound spaniel mix, and he has a story to tell.

He lived in a backyard for most of his life. He never left. He was fed food he was allergic to, and was infested with fleas, which resulted in patches where he was losing fur. And his owner burned him cigarettes. You can still see the marks.

Last August he was taken in by Willamette Animal Rescue, and put in a foster home. In September he was put up for adoption. As a fearful, shy dog, he was hard to place. Nervous around anyone new, he doesn't give the greatest first impression. I mean, he's adorable, but he's not terribly friendly. He's not agressive, but he's not friendly. You can't blame him though, after what he went through.

And this of course is where I come into the picture. I first saw his Petfinder page in February, on one of my routine Petfinder browsing sessions (for someone who is not looking for a pet I spend an unusual amount of time on there…). I fell in love, and wanted him, but knew I didn't need another dog and left it at that. One month later, again browsing Petfinder, there he was again. And it killed me to see him still there.

For the next few days I couldn't get this dog off my mind. I started wondering…. Could I get another dog? The plan was to get one in the next two years (before Ret turned 10), and not to look for one. The right dog would find me. So… Did the right dog find me already? I felt a connection to Bird that I couldn't explain.

And so of course, I finally applied to adopt him. One nerve-wracking week of waiting and I finally got to meet him. And then, this morning, April 10, 2012. Bird came home. For good.

He still bears the scars of his past life, both physical and emotional. He still has bald spots on his back from his allergies, and you can tell on his paws where the burns were. He's slow to trust. He still isn't sure about me, but when other people are around I am the lesser of the evils. He lets me pick him up, and he lets me pet him. He still looks nervous about it, but that trust will grow with time.

I never expect to "cure" him. That part of his life will always be there. But it's just the first chapter. His story is only beginning. And it's getting better all the time.

This is my response to the "Wolves Tortured and Executed" article I have seen posted several times in the past few weeks. I have seen it come up on my facebook several times, but didn't click on it until today. For several reasons. Reasons I'm about to go into here, because I think this article is fundamentally flawed.
 

This article exists to send a message. That much is obvious. Now we all go into reading these things with a pre-existing stance. I know I did. I wont go into that yet. The point of the article is to get you to agree with them – that wolves are being tortured and executed and that's wrong. No matter what you go in thinking, that's what they want you to come out thinking.

BUT. This is where they did it wrong. They wrote it in such a way that it's not going to change an opinion. They're preaching to the choir. I can almost guarantee that someone who is anti-predator that reads the words "tortured" and "executed" in an article about wolf hunting is going to stop right there. And when that's in the title, well, you aren't getting very far.

Opinions aside (and I have intentionally left mine out so far), it's clear to me that this is wrong. Like it or not, certain words evoke certain responses, and are going to influences what people think. People that are pro-wolf might go "Hey, yeah, stop the torture!" while someone pro-hunting might think "Torture and execution? Dude, they're just hunting…" You need to think about your audience! I believe their intended audience was people that are not aware of the issue. If that's the case, they've done it wrong. Most of what the article discusses are legal hunting practices. And a lot of people hunt, and don't see it as "torture" and "execution". Thus they are losing their audience.
 

That being said, I've never been one for trophy hunting. Personally, it seems to me like killing for the sake of killing. I don't hunt, but would like to because I enjoy game meat. I would hunt for meat, not for trophy. But I would hunt for meat. So as soon as you start talking about hunting using the word "execute" you have definitely lost me. That's why I didn't open the link for so long, and that's why I know their approach is flawed. Because I like wolves, and I'm not crazy about trapping and trophy hunting, so in some respects I am on board with them. But you start referring to hunting (LEGAL hunting) as execution? Nope, you lost me. All credibility out the window. Just like that.

So if you can't get someone who does agree with part of your message to give you a couple minutes of their time, how would you expect to change the mind of someone who flat out disagrees? It's not going to work. In fact, you're just going to get described as extremist propaganda. I know, because the thought crossed my mind (and like I said, I do agree with parts of what they're saying). If they're trying to educate and change opinions, they are most definitely doing it wrong. It's a mistake we all see pretty often, and it's frustrating. To those that do agree, because I don't want that on my side, and to those that disagree, because they feel like it's judgmental to their opinions. I get that they're passionate about their stance, and that's really how they see it, but to reach people outside of your group you need to approach them at their table. Think about your audience! Stop alienating people and you just might get something done.

It's been snowing all day. Not much accumulation, but it's been snowing all day. It's this wet sloppy snow, because it's like 35ºF outside. Even the dog and cats who enjoyed playing i the snow earlier this year didn't want to go out in it.

And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. It's supposed to be the first day of spring, and it's snowing. It's March, and I'm at about 300 ft elevation, it shouldn't be snowing. It's annoying and I want it to stop.

I found it strange I thought this, and I realized that this year has been strange in that I've woken up to snow several times. And here in the valley you aren't supposed to wake up to snow several times in the same year. Snow is this super special thing that seldom comes around, and this year has been different. It's breaking the system and making snow not special and that annoys me.

There's also the fact that I'm tired of filling up a propane tank once a week…. And the fact that the cold weather means I can't start working until later, because I work with warmwater fish that wont be doing anything until the water gets warmer.

So basically, all this snow is annoying me. That is all.

I just finished reading A Big Little Life by Dean Koontz. I knew this was a book that would make me cry, and it did. But it was a wonderful book. Seldom do I find someone that has a perspective so similar to mine, at least as far as golden retrievers are concerned. And as I read what he wrote about Trixie, I could almost hear myself talking about Ret. And a part of me wondered how far back the relation between these two dogs goes (and surely there is one, as they are both pure goldens), because the similarities are uncanny. Down to his description of a short, 60-65 pound mini-golden. Because my Ret is a short, 60-65 pound (when he isn't overweight…) mini-golden.

Some people think I give Ret too much credit. Koontz adressed that same thing… People thinking he gave his dog too much credit. But if you watch them, really watch them, they're smarter than you think. Goldens are like that. They're downright manipulative. They play the doofy-goofy-dog role, and when you least expect it they trick you. He wrote about how his dog knew to the minute when her meal time was, and how she greeted people differently depending on who they are (things Ret does as well). I came to the conclusion that Ret is a lot like Trixie, except she was better trained and had much better manners…. I think it's because Ret is a boy.

And today I finished the book, knowing full well the last chapter would make me cry. Ret was sleeping at the end of the bed, like he usually does. As I started reading that last chapter, he got up. He came and sat next to me. With each turn of the page he nudged my hand, asking to be petted. And as I read past the part I dreaded, he finally laid down next to me, still close enough I could pet him.

And I understand exactly what Koontz wrote. I don't think he's given his dog too much credit. Because I have seen it too. Behind that doofy-goofy-facade is something more, and I don't entirely understand what that is, but it's there. I've seen it too, in my golden boy. And I don't doubt it goes beyond short mini-goldens. But there's something encouraging about reading a published book repeating so much of what I have thought about Ret. Maybe it means that I'm as crazy as Dean Koontz, but maybe it means that we're on to something. And I think we're on to something.

Very few people I am in touch with will appreciate this for what it is. But there are still a few. And I thought they might enjoy this.

I found it while reading through some old message board threads that I had saved on my computer. I don't even remember writing this. It was written on February 18, 2006…. At 4 AM, apparently. That would put me… In Japan, that would have been when I was in Japan!

Anyway, I apparently wrote this and I thought it was really really cool. Not that most people will appreciate it, but there's a few. So this is for my Westie family….. I miss you guys!
 

"This is just something I was thinking about as I sat in bed working on sudoku…. Just some thoughts that I thought I'd share.

I'm proud to be a Westie. We're more than just people united by the love of Matthew West's music. We're family. Sure, we can be wild at times, but that's just who we are. We have our differences, whether we say so or not. I can remember a few times where a little anger may have started to show, but isn't that how all families are? Online it's easier to hide, but it still shows sometimes. That's just how it is.

The best thing about us would be the welcoming nature… We want you to join us. We want to get to know you. We want to share this friendship/family love that we have. There's plenty to go around. We don't care about what your life is like "in the real world." We want to be your friend. If you go through hard times, we want to help. Whether it's talking you through something hard, praying for you, or just being there to read your rants. We want to do it. We care. We wont judge you. We want to be there for you. Families have fun together, and they go through hard times together too. We wont just push you away when that happens. We wont say "You did this, so we don't like you anymore." We understand, and we want to help, like any good family does.

Is this who the Westies are, or who I want us to be? To be honest, I'm not sure. I know we are welcoming, but I can't speak for everyone in saying all. I know this is who I want to be, and I also know that at times I need to be a bit better about it. But if you contact me, I'll be there… And I want anyone to feel free in doing so.

In all the message boards I've been on, I feel that this one has been the most welcoming, family-like community. It's not a huge community, and I hope that we do grow. In the same way I kind of fear it growing, because it may change…. But knowing the Westies, I don't think I have much to worry about. As long as those of us who are already here keep being ourselves, I don't think I have to worry about it changing. People may come and go (preferably come!), but I think the Westies will always be the Westies.

This board has welcomed me as me more than any other board has. I may be the top poster, I may be a moderator, but does that really mean anything? Not really. I've been here a long time, and get on a lot. I was given a few extra privileges by the admin… But I'm no different from the rest of them, and they know that. Even if I point out at times that "I'm a moderator" or "I'm an old member"… I don't know why I do it, and I try to avoid it. I know as much as they do that it doesn't make me better than them. Any other member could have easily been chosen for the moderator position, but I was given the chance, something I will forever be thankful for. Anyone else could have joined early, posted a lot, it really doesn't mean anything. The Westies know that. For that, I am thankful.

We don't worship Matthew West. We're all fans, but not totally obsessively like people on some other fan boards are. We don't worship the ground he walks on. I think if you asked, a lot of us here would say it's more like he's a friend. That may seem kind of weird, but I think it's true. I know when I met him he wasn't all "I'm popular. I'm cooler than you." He made me feel like a friend. He seemed genuinely glad to meet me. I still don't know if he really recognized "Pikados" or if he was just humoring me… But still. He made me feel welcome. Like a friend, more than just another fan. And I think the other Westies, even the ones who have only chatted online with him, feel the same way. He's a part of the Westie family. Probably the center of the family, seeing as he's the one that got us all here, but still a part of the family.

The Westies are just a down to Earth group of people. We know it's not about us. It's not about Matthew, it's not about music, it's not about CDs, it's not about any one of us. It's about the One who is control of it all. There may be some members who may not totally believe that yet, and hey, that's cool too! We hope someday you do, but we wont judge you for it. We wont pressure you into anything you aren't ready for. Stick around, join in the fun, and maybe someday you will choose to join the biggest family of all, even bigger than our little Westie family here!

So I guess there's one thing I really want for the Westies…. I want us to be a totally open community. Regardless of where you're from, what you've been through, who you are…. I want anyone to feel welcome to come in and talk. I want people to be able to say what they're thinking without any judgment? Isn't that what I'm doing here? Just saying what I'm thinking….. It's kind of weird, but if I guess it all has to start somewhere. Nobody should feel OBLIGATED to do so, but they should know that they are most certainly WELCOME to. There's no way for me to know if we have fully succeeded in this. I never will. But every time I see someone comfortable enough to come out and tell us some stuff about themselves that may be kind of hard to share, I know we've at least made a step in the right direction….. And that makes me pretty darn happy. I see it fairly often in the prayer request forum… I remember long ago asking Jake to make that area, and I'm so glad he did! It may not be as popular as our lounge or our games, but I see a lot of good stuff going on in there. Stuff that makes me proud to be a Westie. The openness, the understanding, and the willingness to step up and say "I'll be praying… What else can I do?". People just willing to be there, willing to pray, willing to listen (or read, as the case may be). That's pretty awesome, if you ask me.

This is pretty long…. It started out as just a few points randomly coming to mind, and the thought just kept coming as I typed. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to write this all out, but I think I'm glad I did. It has helped me to see things I need to improve in…. Maybe it'll help another person out there too. Maybe it'll encourage someone to step up and say "Hey, I could use some help here." I don't know. Maybe it'll just be something for me…. I know for sure it's at least helped me. I'm only making this longer now…. Kind of rambling on. So I guess I'll finish up. If you read it, cool. If not, cool. To those who are reading, I love you guys! Keep being the awesome Westie family you are, and maybe even improve a bit. There's always room for improvement, right? I love you guys. You are the best family I've had through the internet! "

I'm not one for sending Christmas cards. Mostly because I'm cheap. And also because I'm lazy. But I'm not against doing a "letter." Except that I do it as a blog post, because I'm cheap. And lazy. But I do like to do a year-end summary thing, and a lot of people do that as their Christmas card. But I do it as a blog post. Sometimes it's a New Years thing, sometimes I don't do it at all… This year it's my "Christmas card."
 

So Merry Christmas from myself and my boys (Ret, Nemo, and Pyrite)! And I guess Indie and Ery too, though they're pretty much in hibernation at the moment.

It's been a great year for us. Of course the start of the year was largely consumed by me coming off my high from my trip to Antarctica last year. And catching up on sleep. But soon it returned to being consumed by school. And my once-a-week internship at the Alsea Hatchery working a fish trap, among other things.

After my job in Alsea ended I was once again unemployed. Then in May I began my first REAL job! I was hired on for a 6 month position with the Western Oregon warmwater fish program with the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife. It was a job that I LOVED and look forward to returning to next spring.

On June 11 I graduated from Oregon State University with a double bachelor's degree in Fish & Wildlife Sciences and Zoology, and a minor in Chemistry. Though I was not the youngest graduate (who was 19), I was close, and was one of the 180-ish students graduating with more than one degree. I was honored the night before with the Senior of the Year award at the graduation party for the Fisheries & Wildlife department at school. This is an award I first learned about freshman year, and have dreamed of winning since then.

I also moved out of my apartment in June, and bought my first home! I am now living in a 37 foot 5th wheel toy hauler, that goes wherever I need it to go. Currently it is parked outside of Monmouth, on my grandma's farm. I love living out there, and Ret does too! It is there that I acquired Pyrite, my second cat. He was less than a pound when I caught him, and is now quickly approaching six pounds.

So this year has been a big year. Or at least the first half was. The second half was not as exciting, mostly containing working, and now unemployment. I keep myself busy with volunteer projects and fishing, and of course geeking out for Christmas! And the start of the year more than makes up for the calm of the second half.

Working, graduation, and buying a home. Now I enter the real world. I am several months in to paying off loans now, with more loan payments kicking in shortly. We have entered into the real world, and are loving every second of it. The boys run around outside all day, and I do whatever needs to be done. It's been a great year, and I hope it has been the same for you.

Merry Christmas everybody, and may your new year be blessed!

It's Christmas time. I love Christmas time! I love decorating, I love baking, I love making candy, I love giving gifts. I love doing Tree of Joy in Creswell.

But as much as I love being home for Christmas, being with my family, doing all this stuff I love…. A piece of me aches for the southern hemisphere. I find myself almost unable to look at pictures without tears coming to my eyes. Every day I'm reminising on "one year ago today…"

And I wonder if my fellow Antarctic travelers are having the same problem. Or am I alone in this? I was the one person that wanted so bad to never leave the ship… The one that didn't ever want to leave. The one that didn't want to go home. So maybe I'm the one that aches to be back? Every day. I long for a world of ice, penguins, and pristine beauty as far as the eye could see.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to be home! The family Christmas is… Well, I guess now it's today. I love being with my family! I love giving gifts! And getting them isn't half bad either. I was so glad to be able to do Tree of Joy distribution this year, as I missed it last year. And I love Christmas!!!

It's just that part of me can't help it. And sometimes it's a disturbingly large part of me. I miss my friends. I miss my travel buddies. They had my back. And I was the trouble-maker, so that's saying something! Not that I chose to be the trouble-maker. Things just turned out that way. But despite the trouble I got myself in to, I long to be back. I long to be on the ship. I long to be on deck. I long for the snow, the noise, the waves. I long for the people I barely knew that cared about me, and helped me even when I was so tired I was freaking out. I long for the hours of sitting in complete awe of what was in front of me. Hours I spent just staring at the ocean. Or the penguins. Or the ice. I'd give anything to be back.

And it hurts to think that maybe Christmas wont ever be the same. Every year a part of me will want to be there. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't. But still. I feel like as much as I love Christmas, I can't throw myself into it like I used to. And maybe that's a good thing, because I was such a Christmas geek before that maybe it needed toning down. Because compared to your average human I am probably still a total Christmas geek, even with a part of my heart stuck, frozen to the other end of the world.

But I miss my ship. I miss my travel family. I miss my penguins. I miss adventure. I miss that endless wonder. That endless awe. That feeling that any moment I might wake up and be back home… That it was all a dream… It was too good to be true, but it was! But now that feeling is reality. Every time I go back… And I do… I wake up back home. And I long to go back to sleep, back to the Sveteva, back to my dreams. Back to the people, the places, the sights, the sounds.

I miss it every day, but especially this time of year. It's hard. People I know are there. Even people I encouraged to go. And I hate that I am jealous, but I am. Because Antarctica is my dream. It's my adventure. And it's a time in my life that has shaped who I am. Antarctica is a part of me now, and I am a part of Antarctica. And that will never change. And I don't want that to change. Through the tears, the longing, the aching to be back…. It's a part of me now. And I will be back someday. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I will be back.

This month on facebook some people started posting a daily "thankful." Once a day they would post on their status something that they're thankful for. Well, I jumped on the bandwagon. But right at the start I wasn't sure I was going to make it. My very first "thankful" status of the month (actually posted on November 2) read "I'm not sure I can make it through the month being thankful, but we shall see. Maybe I'm wrong, and that would be something to be thankful of in itself! So for day 1, I'm thankful for my warm and snuggly dog and kitties that I adore, and that double as a personal heating system when the furnace is acting up!"

I knew my job was ending the 18^th, and I wasn't sure how things were going to be after that. As it turned out, my furnace acting up would turn into its own challenge. But I didn't know it at the time.

Well, I'm glad to say I made it through the month. Today's status? "Tonight I am thankful for having so much to be thankful for. At the start of the month I wasn't sure I was going to make it… Knowing what the month had to bring. But I did. And it wasn't even hard. I made a conscious decision to find things to be thankful for, even when I was facing a challenge. Things that would normally bring me down have turned out OK. Good, even. Thankfulness isn't just a feeling. It can also be a decision, and I'm thankful that I can and have chosen to be thankful for these things."
 

I truly believe that thankfulness is a choice. Sure, there are things that are so easy to be thankful for that it doesn't need to be a conscious decision. Yeah, I'm thankful for my friends and family, God, the support I get from all of the above. For life, happiness, health, food, shelter, water… All that stuff is a no-brainer. But to be thankful for unemployment? For having to fork over $200 for an RV part? That gets a little trickier. That's when the conscious decision kicks in.

As for me, I choose thankfulness. Unemployment? I'm thankful for the chance to take a breather, and look ahead without having to worry about what's going on in the here and now. Having to replace a power converter? I learned how to do it… And beyond that, I learned I COULD do it, and it was rewarding to be able to take care of it with just a little help. Plus it works great, and it's quieter than my old one!

It's more than just being an optimist. I'm not finding the silver lining. I'm not going "oh well, at least…" I'm truly thankful. Sure, I would have been thankful if I had rolled into another job, or if I had been able to fix my old converter. Maybe, probably, more thankful than I am for the alternative. But the fact is I AM thankful for the things that happen. Sometimes only because I decide to be, but I AM.

It's not always easy. I know there will be times when I'm caught in the moment, things are just too tough, and I can't do it. But I'll try. Try to be thankful. Because it's a whole lot easier to get through the tough stuff if you find a way to be thankful for it.
 

So how about you? Do you choose thankfulness? Next time you're facing a challenge, try it. You'll be surprised. It's easier than you think.